make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
