I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My vagina just recognized that song.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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