need another drink. this is the easiest way
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
