you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
