So drunk its hurt
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
