I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
