my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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