My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize