and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize