walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
