Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
