Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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