did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
