I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize