your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
