I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
