I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
