I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
