My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
