DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
