I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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