from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
