I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
