Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
