So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
