Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
