I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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