you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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