I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
