I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
