I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
