Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
