It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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