Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
