I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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