i jhust puked up my retainher.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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