i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
