I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
