it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
oh god the rape fog is back!
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Pants are for mortals
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