im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
