i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
