We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
