Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize