on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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