you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
