I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
