he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
