Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
