you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
