then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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