fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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