we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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