my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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