He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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