True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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