He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
