I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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