I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
