Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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