Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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