All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
