ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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