Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
