booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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