It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
