Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
