Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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