they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
