We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
