Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
