just come out here and I will go home with you...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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