you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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