take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
